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Most Insane Ways to Cook a Turkey

Although each year a turkey or sometimes even two, are pardoned by the president, another nearly 50 million are consumed each Thanksgiving across this truly blessed land. While the number of vegetarians has increased in the United States in recent years, even a third of these admit to scarfing down hunks of animal flesh after a few drinks. And considering Thanksgiving is one of the drunkest of American holidays, come Turkey Day, booze will be quaffed, (for some) ethical stances thrown to the wayside, as sheer tons of smoldering piles of turkey are consumed by the literal boat loads.

But why traditionally cook a turkey using tried and true culinary methods when you can just as easily risk life, limb, and homestead to torch your feast to perfection with a jet engine? What could be more American than putting the finishing touches on your Flamin’ Hot Cheetos turkey recipe with a blowtorch? Absolutely nothing. Completely rhetorical.

In the supersized land of the free, bigger and badder is always better. Besides, if the early American colonists taught us anything it was most certainly a lesson or two about overkill. So sit back, relax, bust out the bibs and ranch and enjoy the most completely unnecessary ways to systematically transform a turkey into carbon this Thanksgiving.

Just roast it with your Lambo

Finally, a cooking method fit for a Big Tymer. If you have a candy-painted Lamborghini, you take any and every opportunity to flaunt it. Even if this means conspicuously and inefficiently using exhaust backfire to prepare your Thanksgiving feast. Since you’re already seemingly just burning money, might as well punt a Butterball in the quarter-of-a-million-dollar dumpster fire.

Can your Mercury Topaz do that? Nah.

Torch it to death with this thing

If there is one thing we love more than a glazed hunks of torched cancer-meat, it’s monster truck things — making this a regular twofer. What is that abomination you ask? Oh, that is the Flash Fire Jet Truck with a “fire-breathing 12,000 horsepower jet engine” slapped on the back for full-effect. Simply hang your preferential bagged Butterball somewhere, anywhere behind this beast and dinner is all but served.

Let’s face it, this turkey was born for the sole purpose of being brutally defeathered with a shop vac, slow roasted in carbon emissions, and then transcend into its next life through our bowels.

Maybe a bunch of flashlights?

The real-world lightsaber FlashTorch flashlight is powerful enough to ignite combustible materials on contact and even fry an egg. We had the opportunity to test one these bad boys in the office and, believe it or not, it’s just as terrifying in person. Apparently, some humans have attempted to cook a turkey with a jury-rigged apparatus of said terrifying flashlights. Using this method, will the flesh putrefy before it ever is thoroughly cooked? Yes. Do you risk a high probability of foodborne illness using this approach? Also, yes. The choice is yours.

Texas Turkey: Cook it in a trash can

Seeing as The Lone Star State has led the nation in Thanksgiving Day grease- and cooking-related insurance claims for seven years running, it’s really no surprise this proud Texan took the cooking to outside just to be safe. While there are higher quality and slightly more informative step-by-step trashcan turkey tutorials online, none hold a candle to the pure cinematic gold seen above. As noted by our fine host, remember to have your welding gloves handy because that trash can is “mucho caliente.” That’s Spanish for “a lot of hot,” specifically.

Hell, may just lob it at the sun

A few years back, some industrious individuals at NASA came up with a few clever ways to cook up a turkey with some of the most sophisticated gadgets the space agency had lying around. This ranged from using a run of the mill satellite dish and some Kapton to even stowing a turkey on a solar probe.

Perhaps when the agency launches the Parker Solar Probe next summer, the agency will consider bringing a turkey in tow. Considering the additional weight should only cost $150,000 to launch into the cosmos, this seems reasonable enough. The probe will orbit just 4 million miles from the sun and experience temperatures up to 2,500 degrees Fahrenheit — more than enough to get those 13 herbs and spices up to temp.

Besides, what could be a more appropriate tribute for our species than a jettisoned twice-baked, antibiotic-resistant, gentically modified turkey drifting through interstellar space destined to burn up in an alien atmosphere as a shooting star? Absolutely nothing.

Thanks given indeed.

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